I have always said the age of 7-12 is perfect. You can do all kinds of fun things with your kids, and they have not usually started the process of abandoning you in favor of their friends. As you hit the dreaded teenage years, you will most likely need to change and reconsider your relationship. It will gradually become more of a “team them” and your role can stay very positive if you see yourself as a coach, and less of an authoritarian parent.
Let’s explore some ideas on how to keep a positive relationship even while they start to break off and become their own person.
1. Set Goals Together
If you set clear goals that are THEIR goals, you can help them achieve things they want to achieve. This is going to be more of a symbiotic relationship versus trying to impose your goals for them on them.
2. Be Strict Where It Matters
As they get older, be strict when you need to be on things that align with their goals, but do not try to force less important things on them. For example, they are 16 and you still try to make them play an instrument they do not wish to play or get straight A’s when their goal is to go to a community college? Maybe B’s and giving up music are appropriate at this point. When they set the goals, it is easier to say you are just helping them achieve their goals.
3. Do Something With Them That They Enjoy
Find common interests and activities that are positive that they would still like to do with you. Maybe hiking, yoga, reading… the kind of things they would not easily do with their friends because it is not universally enjoyed by everyone. (Movies are just not going to be as fun with a parent, sorry)
4. Lean, Don’t Shove
Assuming you do not have any major issues that require forceful intervention, having a strategy of leaning on them, instead of shoving them in the direction you would like to go is very advantageous to maintaining a good relationship with your teen and helping them become good people.
- Use positive reinforcement.
- Assist when they need something oriented towards their goals.
- Send them the occasional article that reinforces what they want to achieve.
- Talk about the difficulties of adulthood and how certain things make life easier (better education, good job, health and fitness, etc.)
- Watch the occasional great documentary with them.
5. Use Vanity, Greed and Pride
Lastly, try to pay attention to nature. At some point your kids will want to look good, have more money and feel good about themselves. Instead of just giving them what they want consider using these developing feelings as motivators for them to do more things themselves. This requires you to pay attention to what they find meaningful and lean on improving that area.
Of course, this article is for people who are lucky and do not have significant behavioral or addiction problems. If you have serious issues, get help. The sooner you address it the more likely to improve things and get back on track.